2024, thank you

This year was probably the worst year of my life. Life really happened. I lost so many people. I lost myself. I lost my zameer and my zehen and I lost who I was in the midst of all of this. But I know that years down the lane, I am going to proudly proclaim that I wouldn’t be who I am today if this year hadn’t happened. That I survived this year. It taught me to stop looking at people in blacks and whites—I haven’t achieved that yet but atleast I’m trying. It taught me that I am the strongest person alive because anyone else would’ve simply given away atleast a few times. It taught me that even in all of this and with all of this, I love—I love fully and overwhelmingly. I love in the way the world should love each-other but often fails to. I love everything around me and I love the smallest things that usually don’t matter. It taught me that I am a good person. Period. I always thought maybe somewhere I wasn’t, that I always needed to pursue it just a little more desperately, but the year taught me that I am. That I will take a moment and hurt myself before I hurt you, even if means that I’m left on my dying breath. The year taught me that I have evolved, so so immensely, and that absolutely nothing can ruin that, no matter how much the universe tries. It taught me that I am someone me from 5 years ago would be massively proud of, would be in love with, would want to be.

I felt so much this year. I felt pain and heartbreak, abandonment and loneliness, the world’s guilt and then my own. I felt all of my emotions to the best and the worst of their intensities. But I also learnt that even though it hurts, I wouldn’t ever want to give that up. I would never want to give u feeling all that I feel. I would never want to give up on this because this is exactly what makes me me. I dance when I get good food. It makes my day if a baby smiles at me. I like hugs. I care for people even when I am debilitatingly unable to care for myself. I like reading and learning and making a world just a little better. I like being a nice person.

I learnt that I am loyal and trustworthy even though sometimes I might not feel so. I learnt that my inner child needs so much healing and love and I learnt that she needs me as much as I need her. I cried so many tears this year, I had so so so many panic attacks, I have scars and trauma that might take atleast a few years to heal, but I also know that I stood by me throughout it all. I learnt that I am the strongest person alive not only because I endured all of it but because I was a good person despite.

This year brought me to find my own faith, one that fits who I am, and one that brings me closer to my dadi because that’s where it all started from. It made me realise that my parents absolutely love me, even though sometimes it’s not that obvious, but they are always gonna have my back, however much I fuck up. It brought me closer to my brother who probably needed me to tell him things so that he can tell me his own. It made me realise that my best friend holds my heart in her two hands like it is both the strongest thing and the most fragile of all—that she is my ICU and even on my last dying breath, I can look at her and she would give me her own.

The year made me lose people, people I called friends, only to realise later that friends would not have treated me like that. It allowed me to cry and express and be a little unhinged at the end. It allowed me to “mau” randomly at 2 AM. It took me to Oxford again, let me be a wild college kid and allowed me to really know that I love literature in this weirdly overwhelming way. It taught me that I am smarter than I always thought I was (and I already thought I was pretty smart) and that I will pretty much figure life out, whatever it takes. It taught me that I am my own baby, before being anyone else’s.

This year shouldn’t have happened probably but I’m somewhere glad it did. So, here’s to 2024 being the worst year of my life. Thank you for being what I needed.