Crimson Lake

You didn’t save me.

I tried to. I really did.

But you didn’t save me.

I tried. I tried. I really did.

But you didn’t save me. 

Again.

Again?

Again.

I’m sorry. I really tried.

Did you though?

I did. (Did I?) I’m sorry.

You know I can hear all your thoughts right? I know everything that you think.

I know.

I’m sorry.

You let me go again. You lost yourself and you ran away and you hanged me in exchange. You paid for your crimes in my fingerprints.

Again.

I’m sorry.

You always are.

Doesn’t change that I have died multiple deaths because of your cowardice.

I don’t know what happened. I tried to protect you.

No, you didn’t. Don’t lie to me now. Your honesty is all that you have left. You weren’t strong enough. You pretend that you are but you never were.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry.

You weren’t thinking.

I wasn’t thinking.

Why though?

Why?

Why?

I am stupid and messed up.

So am I. Not good enough. I’m dead. 

I deserve more.

I’m sorry.

I deserve more. I deserve more than your sugar-coated apologies over something that has your melancholy (your foolishness) written all over it.

Why?

I don’t know.

Why?

I don’t know.

No!

Why?

Because I’ve never loved you enough! Because I’ve only ever pretended.  Because it’s only ever been fake it till you make it. Because I’m a failure and  I fail and I failed at protecting you again.

You did.

I know.

I didn’t want that.

I know.

You know that right?

I know.

You knew it?

I did.

I was screaming at your door.

I know.

Why didn’t you hear me? Why didn’t you just listen?

I’ve been too used to boarding up your door. I think I boarded it (you) up again. 

I think I was scared.

You were scared? And what about me? What about me?

I’m sorry.

Is that all I am to you? 

A voice behind a door?

No, you are much more, so much more, but I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to take my blood-stained hands so I put them in a lake of crimson. I’m sorry.

You drowned me in that lake of crimson.

You killed me.

I’m sorry.

I don’t think it will ever matter.

I’m sorry.

You promised.

I’m sorry.

You promised.

I’m sorry.

You said you will be there. You said that you will protect me. You said that it will never happen again. I trusted you. I allowed me to change you. You didn’t deserve it. You have never deserved it.

If I could, I would change it all. I would redo it. I would protect you. I would protect me. I swear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

But I will always know now, right? I will always know that you abandoned me. Again. That I can’t trust you. Again. That you are selfish and a coward and that you can even leave yourself behind. That you are no one’s own. That you are not even your own. That I can bleed for you over and over again and all you will do is use my blood to fill up your crimson lake. 

That you don’t deserve any of it. That you only pretend to be great. That your fate is to drown alone as the crimson lake becomes a part of you and you a part of the crimson lake.